Boobie Blues: The Breastfeeding Battle

Today marks the first day that Kris and I have been on our own as a family. My in-laws left early this morning and not going to lie, I'm really going to miss them. Amanda, my mother-in-law, has been with us since about four days before we left for the hospital and the poor thing was busting her back. They took care of our furbabies for the three days that we were in the hospital, cleaned and cooked for our first week back.

Basically they gave Kris and I the chance to be completely wrapped up in Jackson without worrying about the day-to-day responsibilities of keeping up with a home.

If you guys are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart! (Before you start thinking that I took advantage of my in-laws look at the photos below. Don't start feeling too bad for them because they stole kisses and snuggles in between all their hard work!)
Seriously though, it might be the crazy hormones I still have but today I have caught myself reminiscing about when Jackson was born and our stay in the hospital. How can he already be 10 days old?

**
Our three days in the hospital were, for the most part, a continuous circle of love and family.My main nurse was just what I needed: someone blunt that didn't want to coddle me or hang out in the room too often. Some women want a nurse that is motherly but that is just not my style because I cannot stand to be fussed over and honestly, I was so tired that I just wanted to enjoy my family. That nurse was there when I needed her most though for the moment when I learned the heart-wrenching lesson numero uno of parenting: What my be best for other kids, may not be best for your kid!
On Sunday morning, the day we were scheduled to go home, my poor little peanut was also scheduled to have an um-minor-snip-snip if you catch my drift. Jackson had not left our room except for quick checks by the pediatrician and I was honestly freaking out because of how long he was out of my site.

{Believe it or not, I had only freaked out once before then, when Jackson didn't "latch on" or eat for about six hours straight. I made up my mind early on in my pregnancy that I was going to breastfeed. It's cheaper, better for the kid and I thought it was something good moms do. Plus, I selfishly wanted that extra bond to Jackson.

When you are breastfeeding, your goal is to feed every two hours. This meant that Kris and I were up every two hours to undress Jackson ("stimulate him"), turn all the lights on and wake him up enough to help my brain tell my boobies to start producing milk. Your milk is not just there after you give birth, who'd thunk it! I was still healing so it was hard for me to get out of the bed which left Kris basically getting no sleep because he always had to hand off.}

So, I asked Kris to walk past the nursery to see what was taking so long. I swear, I had all kinds of curcumsion horror stories flashing through my head. Kris came back to our room right as I was getting ready to hop in the shower and simply said "He is in the nursery sleeping with the other babies." Those words rocked my world. I instantly started bawling -- like eyes red, nose running, sobbing uncontrolably. Poor Kris didn't know what was wrong and really, neither did I.

Why was I crying? "I shouldn't be glad that he is gone but right now I am because I want a break," I studdered in between sobs. Day three of being a mom and I already was glad that my kid wasn't in the room. EPIC FAIL. I wasn't tired though and I loved Jackson so much it hurt. I was crying because I am a perfectionist and the fact that -- for one minute -- I didn't have to stress about him latching on, how much he suckled and if he was hungry or not.

I calmed my sobs long enough to reassure Kris and climb into the shower but I cried the entire length of the shower (and not just because it was the most painful shower I have ever taken.) Was being successful at breastfeeding worth this much stress? Could Jackson be a happy and healthy baby if he was bottlefed? Was I a bad mother for giving up?

As Kris helped me out of the shower, I asked him what he thought about switching to the bottle. He immediately said that it was fine but I wanted to explain myself. "We will never get this time back with our son and we have already lost three days to stress from breastfeeding. I want to take him home and love on him. I am terrified I might resent him."

It sounds crazy but that nurse I was telling you about came in with a bottle, told me to relax and quit caring what others thought and enjoy my son. This is what immediately followed that meltdown and I think my smile says it all:

Jackson's Story

Jackson Dean Kanatzar
Born Feb. 18 at 5:27 p.m.
7 lbs, 6 oz, 20 inches long.

I keep glancing at the clock as I am typing because in just thirty short minutes my little man will likely be ready for another round of bottles, poopy diapers and snuggles. We have been living on a schedule of bliss around here and I can't believe it has been EIGHT days since Jackson was born.

I never thought I could love anyone more than my husband; Kris is my best friend and other half. Then I met my son.

This is the story of the most amazing day of my life, the day I learned what it feels like for my heart to burst.

**Several times before my due date I thought it was "time." I even had to leave work early to be checked out by the doctor after having contractions for most of the day. Unfortunately, Jackson proved to be just as stubborn as his daddy and nothing would ever result from the annoying pains. My doctor set me up to be induced at 40 weeks on the 18th, our two-year wedding anniversary.

We made our way to the hospital around 11 p.m. to spend the night and get started on medicine. I can't believe we were both able to sleep but the next thing I knew it was morning. The rest of the day progressed like this:

8:45 a.m. Oxytocin drip started to induce labor
8:55 a.m. Water broken by Dr. Roberts
11:30 a.m. Dilated to 4 cm
2:00 p.m. Dilated to 8 cm, given epidural
4:00 p.m. Dilated to 9 1/2 cm
4:30 p.m. Began pushing
5:27 p.m. Jackson was born

Overall the experience went by pretty quickly; however, I am pretty sure we can expect a bill for the path Kris etched into the floor with all his pacing in our room. Apparently, I am hilarious on pain medicine and was entertaining the entire staff or annoying the entire staff depending on how you look at it. I guess I kept apologizing to everyone for everything and asking how everyone else was doing instead of worrying about my pain.

I didn't even know that Jackson had made his way into the world at first because I couldn't hear his cry. I got to see him long enough to watch Kris cut his umbilical cord and then I spent the next hour craning my neck to see my miracle around the nurses. I heard voices telling me that he was healthy, with ten fingers and ten toes.
Kris stayed by my side the entire time, assuring me that our son was nothing short of perfect. When I finally got to hold him my heart stopped. I remember thinking first how beautiful he was. He looks exactly like Kris' mini-me and every time I look at either of them, it makes me love the other even more.

In the span of the two seconds that it took Kris to hand me our son about two million questions ran through my mind. What if I drop him? What if I can't make him stop crying? What if he doesn't know who I am? What if I do something wrong? What if, What if, What if. It was the scariest two-seconds of my life.

You know what happened? Jackson nuzzled his head into my arm and smiled up at me. That's when my heart burst...

Mother Goose doesn't have anything on us!

It has taken several days of work and several projects to get Jackson's nursery done but I am finally satisfied.

Not too shabby if I do say so myself! Being in a rental house, there is only so much we can do to the walls and aesthetics of the home. I love the touch of owls throughout the room.

Now that it is completed, I don't even mind the five plus hours that the dresser took to put together. That darn thing came completly apart piece-by-piece and even the trac system had to be screwed on.


His custom navy and orange owl bedding is due to be shipped out soon!!!

Nesting: They weren't lying

Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world.

I really didn't think the whole "nesting" thing would be that big of an issue in my pregnancy because I am already an OCD nut who cleans everything on a daily basis. Boy. Was. I. Was. Wrong. What is that a picture of, you ask? My insane cleaning list that included wiping baseboards, organizing closets and steam-cleaning the carpets.

I am proud to say that my enduring husband and kick-ass sister humored me and the entire list is checked off and my house is spotless. (I am embarrassed to say though that I am already ready to do another light cleaning...)

Nesting brings about some unique and seemingly irrational behaviors in pregnant women and all of them experience it differently. Women have reported throwing away perfectly good sheets and towels because they felt the strong need to have "brand new, clean" sheets and towels in their home. They have also reported doing things like taking apart the knobs on kitchen cupboards, just so they could disinfect the screws attached to the knobs. Women have discussed taking on cleaning their entire house, armed with a toothbrush. There seems to be no end to the lengths a nesting mother will go to prepare for her upcoming arrival.

I don't think I was that bad! However, I am sure if you ask my husband he might be singing a different tune.

The only downside to all of this preparation is I think it has brought on the chest cold of death. I have been hagging and gagging my way through decorating Jackson's nursery and at my 39 week checkup I finally begged for antibiotics.

Now, I am hoping this zpac kicks in before the little guy decides to make his appearance. The doc doesn't want to induce me unless I am healthy. As of right now, my body has until the morning of the 18th to get its ass in gear before I evict Jackson!

Two Weeks

Are there really only two weeks left in my pregnancy? It seems like it was just the fourth of July weekend and we were just finding out about our little peanut!
Now I am running around like a mad woman, stopping often because I am out of breath, praying that I get everything done before Jackson decides to make his appearance.

Yup, I have come a long way and several pounds since that weekend. If you've missed the 9-month journey check out a recap here:
Our Little Peanut
10 weeks, 3 days
It's a Boy!
Jackson Dean Kanatzar
High Risk Pregnancy

I go to the doctor on a weekly basis where I am treated like a science-fair experiment and hooked up to a monitor. The machine tracks Jackson's heartbeat, movement and determines if I am having any contractions. Then, I am felt upvery awkwardly to check for dialation. I have had tons of contractions, some so bad that I even left work to head to my doctor's to be checked out; however, I am not making a progress towards labor just yet.
At this point, I am wondering if my doctor is going to have to evict my little peanut or if he will decide to come out on his own. I have an induction scheduled the morning of February 18 though so if Jackson doesn't get the memo before then... well, he will be born whether he likes it or not.