Eating My Words (and they taste like crap!)

I am a hypocrite, a pot calling the kettle black and any other euphemism that means I do the opposite of what I say I'm going to do. Basically, I'm a horrible parent.

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Before Jackson was born I had all these preconceived notions of parenting and things I would do and wouldn't do as a mom. I'm here to tell you, one cannot possibly know what they would do or wouldn't do until -- um -- they're actually doing it. I mean we all know my feelings on bottle feeding before I had Jackson. Even with those feelings we all know how well breastfeeding went over.

Well, in the short month that I've been a mom I have caught myself doing things I swore I wouldn't do. Things I judged other parents for doing. What. An. Ass.

Pacifier, Paci, Binkie

Whatever you call the damn thing, it's a necessary evil in the Kanatzar household. Whenever I thought of a pacifier, I thought of a two-year old who still whined for the paci or parents that use a pacifier as a babysitter or to make their kid quit crying. I had only negative ideas. Did you know that sucking is a natural calming tool for babies? Even when they're not hungry they will move their mouth like a fish because it's soothing to them. Baby books (which I partially blame for my unrealistic, preconceived notions) suggest letting your baby suck on your fingers or guiding their hands to their mouth instead of using a pacifier. Pacifiers can be used in a positive light, because babies enjoy them and like a toy want to play. Who-would-have-thunk-it? I swear not to be that parent that let's his or her kid walk around as a teenager sucking on one. (There I go, making preconceived notions again.)

Co-sleeping

Now before you yell at me about the dangers of co-sleeping, don't! I am beating myself up as it is. However, let me clarify. Jackson has two beds: his crib and a pack-and-play that is in our bedroom. He has slept in our bedroom, in his pack-and-play since he came home from the hospital. At first I wanted him in our room because I was going to be nursing and it would make it easier for night time feedings. Breastfeeding may be out but we still like Jackson in our room until he sleeps through the night. It is just easier on us when we have to get up with him. He sleeps great though and only wakes up twice throughout the night. I know, I am LUCKY!

Even good babies have their moments. One night after a 4 a.m. feeding, Jackson would fall asleep in my arms but as soon as I laid him done he would scream bloody murder. I would pick him back up, soothe him and lay him back down. Screaming would begin again. I. WAS. SO. TIRED. I finally sat down on the end of the bed and rocked him. Then I was leaning against the headboard rocking. Next thing I knew, I was waking up and Jackson was sleeping next to me. What had I done? I had let Jackson sleep with us because that was the only way he would go to sleep. I was lazy and tired is what it boils down too. This has only happened twice but that doesn't make me feel any better.

These two things don't seem extreme but it really scares me for the future. I am worried about giving into other things as Jackson gets older. Where's the compromise to things you absolutely want to do and don't as a parent. What things are so important that you shouldn't give in, even if it's easier?

I hope I can be strong about the important things. (Maybe it will be easier when I am not sleep deprived?)

I burn down a hospital and other short stories.

Two-Weeks Old
7 lbs, 11 oz, 21 inches long

In celebration of surviving the first two-weeks (I mean in honor of Jackson being two-weeks old) I wanted to share some of the more entertaining moments of being parents thus far. Jackson has such a personality and Kris and I are cut from a way different cloth than most people that there is never a dull moment around here.

So sit back and enjoy. I hope the little man brings a little joy to your life because he is the light of mine.

I Burn Down a Hospital

Six days after Jackson was born I noticed that his formula seemed to be coating his tongue white. It looked like a paintbrush had rolled a coat of white across his tongue. He also had little bumps that looked like pimples on the inside of his cheeks. I immediately turned to the magic that is Google and searched for an answer for my problems. To be honest, Google scared the shit out of me. I immediately found out about Thrush; Thrush appears as whitish, velvety lesions in the mouth and on the tongue. Underneath the whitish material, there is red tissue that may bleed easily. The lesions can slowly increase in number and size. Basically, my SIX-DAY OLD was sick and I was freaking. I called the 24-hour line for our doctor and was immediately told to go to the emergency room. I bawled to the lady on the other line while she unsuccessfully tried to console me. Did I mention that it was around 11 p.m. at night and that I was having to bring my newborn into a germ infested emergency room? My hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes cleaned everything in sight. After waiting in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes and then waiting over an hour in a back room, our doctor arrived. She had one too many 5-hour energy shots and was giggling and practically screaming at my poor kid.
I am sure if looks could kill I would have went Medusa on all their asses. Jackson is still on medicine but seems to be feeling better. That night taught me important parenting lesson number two: some things are out of your control (OK, a lot of things are out of your control) and some things are not your fault. Case-in-point my sick newborn.

Mean Mugging

Have you ever had a kid or younger sibling get mad at you? It is just so darn cute that you have to turn away so they won't see you laugh. Jackson has already nailed the whole "I am mad at you" look to a tee. We call it his mean mugging face and he frequently shoots it at me when I don't get a bottle in his mouth fast enough or when I don't change him fast enough. He looks directly at you, scrunches up his eyebrows and proceeds to stare daggers. Right now it is pretty much the cutest thing in the world but I am sure in about ten years I will fear the mean mug a little more.

Mustard Packet

My kid has impeccable timing; I almost guarantee he does it on purpose. Whenever I change his diaper he locks and loads and a steady stream hits the curtain, me, his own face, his clothes and pretty much anything in a five mile radius. I try to keep a diaper over his supersoaker but it never works and something always ends up getting sprayed.

He is even worse when it comes to uh - number two. He always starts mustard packet-ing as soon as I open his diaper. Why have we dubbed it mustard packet-ing? Well its yellow and shoots out... OK you get the point.

Kris Goes All Super-Dad

We decided to brave the grocery store for the first time as a family during what ended up being one of the worst tornadoes East Tennessee has seen for a long time. Basically, we have fan-freaking-tastic timing and absolutely zero parenting instincts. We ended up spending at least thirty minutes shoved into the back of the store with about a hundred other people. It was hot, crowded and Kris was slowly going into cardiac arrest. He was in super-dad mode and in between shooting me dirty looks for getting our son out in the storm, he was scouring the aisles for pillows, blankets and a plan of action incase the tornado hit. (It made me realize where Jackson gets his mean mugging look from.)

I was giggling at how over protective Kris was but in all actuality it made me realize that we are actually responsible for another person's life, a person we made together and obviously would do anything for. I am glad I have super-dad to face the world of parenting with.


Only two-weeks in and already it has been a hoot...