05 March 2012
Want Him Back
With each scream he thrusts his arms and pushes off the balls of his feet. The first time? He pointed in between outbursts. I signed and asked, desperately trying to understand what he wanted, what he needed. His screams continued.
Then, he was in his highchair for dinner time. Eating is normally smooth sailing in our household. Fists. Knuckles. Rocking. Tomato. Clenching. Growls. "More eat?" I sign. "All done?" I ask. His frustration rolls down his cheeks.
Finally? A normal diaper change, a simple task that is done time and time again. Fists. Knuckles. Rocking. Tomato. Clenching. Growls. He rolls over and over impatient to make his escape.
In that instance I find myself wishing I hadn't had a baby, remembering why I "didn't like children." In that same instance the shame I feel for even thinking that thought buries me with guilt. (My embarrassment returns even writing that line.)
We both cry.
As soon as Little Man turned one a switch was flipped. My sweet, loving little man disappeared and we are in full blown tantrum mode. Is it the three teeth coming in? The fact that my mom is here and we don't get out of the house? Is Jackson bored or being ignored? Does he want to communicate and finds himself frustrated?
I don't know how to parent in this situation. I cried last night discussing it with my husband. This is where I feel like I can "mess up" my son. I don't want him to be the bad kid, the spoiled kid, the tantrum kid.
Is this normal? I am lost and I just want my son back.